i wish for the strength to shine (again)

What do you do when you find out that your big lady boss really does not like you? I remember hesitating if i should add her on FB last November when I was in HCM. And I plucked up the courage to add her. Well, she didn’t add till this day and I saw that she added all my other colleagues’ FB recently this year. So it says something right. Whatever lar. And what’s with the atrocious appraisal i had this February. I can’t bring myself to tell others how my lady Boss does not want to add me to FB, what a joke.

I try not to let it affect me. I try to put on a smile at work. I try to speak softly while over the phone. Basically, I feel I am not being me at the workplace. And I secretly hate and dread her. What’s with the monthly team activity bonding? As it is, I see them 5 days a week and they still want me to sacrifice my weekend to go Penang/KL with them? Or even rollerblade with them on a Saturday morning? That’s crazy but I suppose we all have to obey her simply cos she’s a divorcee with 3 grown up kids and she has prolly no one by her side. I am mean, but this is how I really feel inside.

But its ok… perhaps come December, I can seek an internal transfer. I am living day by the day at the workplace, dragging my feet to work. A headhunter called me on my office phone yesterday. But because he called me at the most inconvenient time (ie all my bosses were around), I told him to call me when I knock off. The call never came though. I guess he had to go home early as well.

And I am not speaking to Pipsqueak at this moment. It is better for us this way. I am not terribly upset, just that I feel that it is no point wasting each other’s time and effort if we are not going to end up together eventually. I just feel that we have too much differences and not much common ground. And somehow, I am not satisfied with whatever he does. And you can’t exactly ask me to lower my standards, just cos of that. I think I am a relatively simple person to please, but yet he just can’t match up to that.

I am sick and tired of this life, this world, that sometimes, I really feel like killing myself. ANd stop feeling the emotional pain and misery within. I want to go back to my schooldays, where I was at my happiest.

I wish for the strength to shine again. To hell with bad bitchy bosses and boyfriends. I shall not let them affect me.

Easter Sunday

Dear God,

Thank you for giving us, Jesus, your son that you loved so much.

You sent your beloved Son into this treacherous world of ours, but yet, he has touched the hearts of many as he was growing up. He has performed miracles, healed the sick and comforted the lonely. But yet, he chose to die for us on the Cross in the end. He was not forced to die for us, yet he chose to die for our sins even though He didn’t deserve to. By dying for our sins, we will be one with you again, O God. Jesus is the bridge, linking us to you (if I do go to heaven in the end, that is).

As I ponder on this Easter Virgil, I am looking forward to Jesus’ resurrection and how by dying, He has conquered sin and death. Thus, I should not fear whatever that awaits me on this earth, for I know that Jesus has already conquered all there is. Moreover, He is up there watching us together with our guardian angels and Mother Mary.

Let me wait in anticipation. Let me visualise what it is like standing outside Jesus’ tomb. It will be nice to see a resplendent (is that the term?) man clothed in white and basically, majestic-looking. Dear God, I long to have that vision. To be able to have you look into the depths of my soul and reside within me.

I am scared and feel worthless most of the time, but Lord, by dying for me, I know that you do love me. Do show me a way. Thank you for dying on my sins. You are seated by the Father right now, watching over us. Please have mercy on us, worthless sinners. Let me bear my crosses in life, just like how Jesus gladly bore his as He carried everyone’s crosses on his back to Calgary.

I also pray for Pipsqueak’s conversion. I pray that he will come to get to know you and how you have died for his sins. Amen.

Love,
Me

List of Places to Shop in Bangkok

Platinum Mall

A. Bags, Accessories
1. Gusto (cosmetic bags, phone pouches)
222/1310
5th Floor

2. Bag-kok (interesting laptop bags)
3 Floor, Room 895
Nathan 10

B. Clothing
1. Ololo Tini (avant-garde clothing)
2 Floor, Room 541
Oxford 3
www.olologroup.com

2. Pretty Girl (nice work clothes!)
1 Floor, Room 224
Soho 9

2 Floor, Room 457B
Oxford 6

3 Floor, Room 879
Nathan 10

3. Risaya (tailored retro dress!)
4 Floor, Room 1079
Camden 13

4. Miss Dollar (nice work clothes)
2 Floor, Room 531a
Oxford 7

5. Peet & Ploy Shop (swimwear)
2 Floor, Room 401
Oxford 5

Chatuchak Market

A. Accessories
1. KK3 Maipeang (wooden bangles)
Section 14
Soi 22/6

2. Anyadharu (fragrance)
Section 3
Soi 3

Isetan 4th Floor
Central World

B. Clothing
1. Mesa (nice beach dresses)
Section 24
Soi 34/5

2. Paa-wan (cocktail dresses)
Section 20
Soi 27/1

3. Original Fish (comfy and nice singlets)
Section 18
Soi 4

FOOD!
1. Laung Pha Pad Thai
315/1 Mahachai Road
Samranwat
Pranakhon
BKK 10200

thats it?

INTRODUCTION

The Dewey Color System® is the world’s first and only validated, color-based personality career testing instrument. Based on our experience and your interests, your best suited occupations are listed below.

BEST OCCUPATIONAL CATEGORY
You’re a CREATOR
Key Words:
Nonconforming, Impulsive, Expressive, Romantic, Intuitive, Sensitive, and Emotional
These original types place a high value on aesthetic qualities and have a great need for self-expression. They enjoy working independently, being creative, using their imagination, and constantly learning something new. Fields of interest are art, drama, music, and writing or places where they can express, assemble, or implement creative ideas.

CREATOR OCCUPATIONS
Suggested careers are Advertising Executive, Architect, Web Designer, Creative Director, Public Relations, Fine or Commercial Artist, Interior Decorator, Lawyer, Librarian, Musician, Reporter, Art Teacher, Broadcaster, Technical Writer, English Teacher, Architect, Photographer, Medical Illustrator, Corporate Trainer, Author, Editor, Landscape Architect, Exhibit Builder, and Package Designer.

CREATOR WORKPLACES
Consider workplaces where you can create and improve beauty and aesthetic qualities. Unstructured, flexible organizations that allow self-expression work best with your free-spirited nature.

Suggested Creator workplaces are advertising, public relations, and interior decorating firms; artistic studios, theaters and concert halls; institutions that teach crafts, universities, music, and dance schools. Other workplaces to consider are art institutes, museums, libraries, and galleries.

2ND BEST OCCUPATIONAL CATEGORY
You’re a PERSUADER
Key Words:
Witty, Competitive, Sociable, Talkative, Ambitious, Argumentative, and Aggressive
These enterprising types sell, persuade, and lead others. Positions of leadership, power, and status are usually their ultimate goal. Persuasive people like to take financial and interpersonal risks and to participate in competitive activities. They enjoy working with others inside organizations to accomplish goals and achieve economic success.

A Revelation

I was so upset today. Come to think of it, perhaps it was the over-sensitive bit of me.

But it is ok. I will survive and have the last laugh in the workplace.

Meeting Aunt HY always makes me laugh and think. She is the person to go to when I am facing problems at the workplace, as she gives me concrete solutions and actually listens to what I have to say.

After hearing what I said, she said either confront the Boss about what she wrote in my appraisal form, or, go to work happy and let everyone know that and when the time comes, I will quit and then shock them.

I prefer the latter option.

She also taught me how to bite back at the boss using her own words. I am actually laughing thinking about it.

“Huh, you want it now? I thought the deadline is tomorrow? I scared if I rush, then make more mistakes, then boss says I hyper again. Ok lar, I hyper k?”

That is the best thing to come out of it. Amen.

tamade

I just had my appraisal today. It sucked and it just serves to prove that my feelings about my Boss are right all along — she clearly does not like me. Sometimes I really miss Kathy, who is direct and well, she tends to forget your faults after awhile.

So I sat in the meeting room today with Dom and her. She asked how I thought my progress was.

I thought I gave a very PR answer by saying that I think my progress is slower than I would like and yet, there is nothing much I can do about it due to external factors.

So she asked how can I improve on it. So I said unless I know the root cause, then I can improve on it right.

So she started listing. I agree with some of them, such as:

1. I am very kancheong (I thought I have toned down a bit and am more laidback these days).

2. I have to pause and think before submitting my paper, instead of rushing through it without not thinking much (this I totally agree).

However, there is one statement which I partially do not agree with, and that is:

I am blunt and have NO EQ. 

What the hell. I know I am blunt and direct (and I do know people who appreciate me for that), but to say I have no EQ? Even my boyfriend thinks my best asset is EQ! But well, since she thinks so, the only reason/consolation I can come up with is that I do not get along with her and possess no chemistry whatsoever with her.

Thats why when Beebs and Juicy told me last Friday that it is very important to toot my horn and profile myself more often, I was hesitant. That’s cos I know you should toot your horn at people who like you, not people who are intimidated of the way you look (ie my eyes). I am so irritated at that btw.

But yes, later on I said, I am really blunt ar?

Then she gave a resounding YEAH. but later on she softened her tone abit and said its the way I speak over the phone etc. I can accept the fact that maybe I do not sound professional enough over the phone, but hello, these are car dealers that I am talking to! Nonetheless, I felt she was rather patronising. She gave me 3/3, and thats mostly my effort! *guffaws*

What the hell. Now I really appreciate bosses like Kathy and JLo.

a new perspective on suffering

as i am typing out this post, i am listening to charlotte church’s all love can be. its so surreal and moving, that i feel i am one with the world afterall.

today, i read how many people are now flocking to churches, temples and mosques in times of distress. and some pastors “tailor” their sermons on how to cope with the financial crisis to match the mood.

not that i have anything against it, afterall religions are meant to guide us and we do have the freedom to choose what is applicable and relevant to us.

for me, i chose the catholic faith because i feel most at home with it. its almost as if there is so much for me to learn about it and i am proud to be one. and He spoke to me through my local parish priest on how i should deal with my emotional crisis. the pointers are below:

1. Suffering is inevitable and appears in all shapes, forms and sizes thus there is no escaping from it.

2. When one encounters suffering, they should carry the cross and not JUST bear the cross for this will paralyse you. Thus, move on with your life.

3.  If ever you find yourself not being able to get out of a rut, remember that is important not to dwell on the reasons WHY you are in a rut, but rather, try to find out the meaning of it and learn from it.

The best lesson that I took away from today’s homily is that God will always lead me according to his plans. That I need not fear what lies ahead for He will ensnare and slay all my demons and enemies. I must say at most times, I would always fall asleep at this priest’s homilies cos he has an accent that is hard to decipher, but somehow what he said today pricked my ears and had my full attention.

I am glad that God spoke to me today.

A Long Time

It has been a long time since I updated this dusty blog.

It all happened when my old Powerbook of 5 years broke down the night after I met Grizzly, the ex. That is like… 2 weeks ago.

So now, I am typing on my Macbook and I am loving it.

Let’s talk about 2 (or is it 3?) Sundays ago. I went to Lian’s place to bake cupcakes. After that, I decided to go for evening mass at IHM, the old parish I used to attend with Grizzly.

Little did I know that I would see a familiar figure and end up sitting next to him. We caught up a bit. After mass ended, he asked if I could do lunch. I said ok and he said, tentatively next Wednesday or Thursday.

So ok. I waited. Nothing happened on Tues/Wed/Thurs/Fri. I gave up and thought he was just saying for fun, his usual self anyway. The next week, I ended up talking to his mum and said her son did not keep to his word. Shortly after that, he texted me to ask if I could do lunch on a Thursday.

I was quite pissed. But I met him eventually. At Cedele. When I met him, he looked so much smaller. And somehow… even though we have not seen each other for the past 3-4 years, there was so much to say but yet nothing much transpired. He never asked me about the current guy I am seeing. I asked him why he never told me that he was dating someone else. He said he never saw the need to, as that is not his wife.

But anyway. I have been dreaming about him more occasionally now. 

I had lunch with Boy Priest and godparents today. Boy Priest was sharing with us how in reality, we are the leading characters in the dreams that we have. For eg, if I dreamt of Grizzly going out with someone, in fact I am Grizzly and I wanted to be in his position. Hmm, ok maybe that is true but I guess it is more of my subconscious.

There are so many un-resolved issues you know. So many things I cannot say and I want to bury but yet it still shows on my face. That is why sometimes I don’t like to meet Boy Priest as he is able to see through that guai-lan face of mine. He did dispense this piece of advice though, that if I am harbouring something inside, I should just say it out and not carry it on my own.

I don’t know. How do I say this to anyone, when I know that my ex is quite a jerk (but yet I suspect I might still have *residual* feelings for him), my current one is really nice to me and yeah, I am expected to put on this poker face that everything is all good and rosy despite my catchup with the ex?

Its hard for me to deal with all these emotions within.

Am I fated to be in this state?

Somehow all my relationships after Grizzly has been disastrous. Ok I won’t call my relationship with Pipsqueak disastrous per se, but I tend to find fault with him even though he is a morally upright and good man. How often do you come across that, especially when his company can be enjoyable at times (unlike Coleslaw, who bored me to tears and is sexually perverted).

Maybe for the first year of our relationship, everything was rosy for me and Pipsqueak. I felt I could see a future with him and he is the better version of Grizzly. Not bad-tempered and gives in to me quite a bit.

However, I now have an issue with him not taking much initiative towards the relationship and well, week in week out we are always doing the same things. It is too stable for my liking and I have expressed this to him before. But still, nothing has been done.

And now, he says he wants to take time off because he feels worse after talking to me and he needs to get his work done during the weekend. Just when I felt better after the relationship after talking to Ongster, then he tells me that he is not ready to talk to me yet.

Ok, I respect his decision. I am sick and tired of this entire thing too. It is good to take a breather and see where this leads to.

For now, I do not think we will end up getting married. We have quite a number of differences and well, I just do not think I am that accommodating towards him. In fact, I think I am very short-tempered and temperamental. But that is because, I feel he does not understand me well enough. He does not know what makes me unhappy and well, even though he knows (i would think) what I like, he still doesn’t do it.

So…. I think this might be sound afterall.

I hope I will not regret this decision.

My first meeting

3 weeks ago, I was tearing on MSN uncontrollably as I typed out what was bothering me inside to Juicy, who then encouraged me to go visit a counsellor from the Family Life Society. I decided to heed her advice as I was so angry with the world and myself, and this is affecting my relationship with Pipsqueak.

Anyway, I called and today, I finally met a counsellor.

While I understand that by undergoing counselling, I will not have answers to the problems I am currently facing now. But I guess, sometimes getting a third opinion (other than your family and friends who know you so well) from a stranger does help afterall. Someone who is able to offer you an objective and unprejudiced view, without judging you.

And as I was talking it out, somehow I felt lighter, like a heavy burden has somewhat come off me.

While I felt he was somewhat suggesting I should leave my job, he did not tell me the answer outright. But from the way he was probing on how I felt about my work, as well as my boss, I could feel that he was of the opinion that I should consider leaving eventually.

But what he did say to me repeatedly remains, that is, if I were to stay on after the appraisal in 2 days, what would I do to cope (ie with the favouritism the boss showers upon others and the possibility that I will not be moving anywhere because of that plus BOREDOM)?

That is a very good question. I will need to think about that.