It has been a long time since I updated this dusty blog.
It all happened when my old Powerbook of 5 years broke down the night after I met Grizzly, the ex. That is like… 2 weeks ago.
So now, I am typing on my Macbook and I am loving it.
Let’s talk about 2 (or is it 3?) Sundays ago. I went to Lian’s place to bake cupcakes. After that, I decided to go for evening mass at IHM, the old parish I used to attend with Grizzly.
Little did I know that I would see a familiar figure and end up sitting next to him. We caught up a bit. After mass ended, he asked if I could do lunch. I said ok and he said, tentatively next Wednesday or Thursday.
So ok. I waited. Nothing happened on Tues/Wed/Thurs/Fri. I gave up and thought he was just saying for fun, his usual self anyway. The next week, I ended up talking to his mum and said her son did not keep to his word. Shortly after that, he texted me to ask if I could do lunch on a Thursday.
I was quite pissed. But I met him eventually. At Cedele. When I met him, he looked so much smaller. And somehow… even though we have not seen each other for the past 3-4 years, there was so much to say but yet nothing much transpired. He never asked me about the current guy I am seeing. I asked him why he never told me that he was dating someone else. He said he never saw the need to, as that is not his wife.
But anyway. I have been dreaming about him more occasionally now.
I had lunch with Boy Priest and godparents today. Boy Priest was sharing with us how in reality, we are the leading characters in the dreams that we have. For eg, if I dreamt of Grizzly going out with someone, in fact I am Grizzly and I wanted to be in his position. Hmm, ok maybe that is true but I guess it is more of my subconscious.
There are so many un-resolved issues you know. So many things I cannot say and I want to bury but yet it still shows on my face. That is why sometimes I don’t like to meet Boy Priest as he is able to see through that guai-lan face of mine. He did dispense this piece of advice though, that if I am harbouring something inside, I should just say it out and not carry it on my own.
I don’t know. How do I say this to anyone, when I know that my ex is quite a jerk (but yet I suspect I might still have *residual* feelings for him), my current one is really nice to me and yeah, I am expected to put on this poker face that everything is all good and rosy despite my catchup with the ex?
Its hard for me to deal with all these emotions within.
